By Rose Mary Johnson
"🎵Send the call out, send the call out🎵", echoed in my ears as my feet descended the staircase.
Most of my life, I existed in an unbelonging. As I approached my late twenties, in my solitude, I yearned for a routine of body and spirit. So with that, I adopted a daily exercise routine.
This was a new concept for me. During my childhood and early youth, I dealt with weight issues. As I eased into this new routine of exercise in my late twenties though, I grew to rely on it. I grew to enjoy it very much. When thirty approached, it was the new me. Everyday - I was active. What begun as a solo endeavor of nature walks and at home cardio reached out into the world. I made the decision to join a gym.
I would remain at that same gym for almost twenty years. That gym became an integral part of my life. I made casual friendships and a few acquaintances along the way. I grew to love a workout and then afterwards sauna time. It never occurred to me, that someday, that reality, which existed for so many years, would end. I truly thought it would never end.
I finally belonged. I became toned and lost weight. My self esteem surged. I kept things on a surface level; workout, simple conversations and sauna time. That was safe for me. It worked for many years, until it didn't.
But just shy of five years before my departure from the gym, that welcoming would become a rude awakening of cruel intentions that destroyed the foundation I had built there. I found myself a target of a modern day witch hunt. I would spend most of the year of 2015 attempting to understand why. Suddenly, I found myself in the middle of a fight for my rights.
With the illusion of safety gone, I struggled with anxiety. My hands shook when trying to swipe the gym membership card. Walking through the front door was an unknown harassment. At times, I felt as if I would faint before beginning a cardio workout. But, dammit! I was paying for the gym membership and no one was going to discourage me from being there, working out and enjoying the sauna.
It became evident that I needed a team. I needed support. But support wasn’t coming in a real sense. I had to create it for myself. Funny how I had not ever been on a real team as in playing sports. So I did what I had to do to make it in the front door, down the staircase and into the workout room.
With the earbuds firmly in place, blasting the song from my smart phone, Team by Lorde, I had I had my support system with every visit!
"🎵 Wait till you're announced🎵”
Played as I swiped the gym card at the front desk.
"🎵We've not yet lost all our graces,
The hounds will stay in chains,
Look upon Your Greatness and she’ll
🎵”
The verses played as I edged the corner from the front desk, into the hallway leading to the door before the staircase. With the music playing, the scenery around me seemed like frozen blips. People all around in a slow motion as my ears were not engaged with their movement. Some walking past me. Some I was outpacing. Sometimes I faintly saw a face. A mouth move. I continued refocusing on the path ahead and the song. My team. My support. The passing scenery apart from me as I felt safe in that bubble.
"🎵 Send the call out,
send the call out🎵"
Echoed in my ears as my feet descended the staircase.
With each step, left then the right, my feet struck downward ascending. The same lyric repeating like a drummer of beats yielding support. The chant washed over me as I belonged again. As I belonged again - if only in my imagination.